National Post

I'm disappointed in the Post. When the Republicans had their convention in Philadelphia, this newspaper served up 16 pages of coverage. Two weeks later, the Democratic convention in L.A. got 11. Even Reform's Long Beach fracas received decent ink. But last week, another convention took place in Alexandria, Va. -- and the Post ignored it.

I'm talking, of course, about the John Hagelin-led Natural Law Party. The NLP is no mere protest movement. It's a real contender. Just check out how Hagelin stacks up against Gore and Bush on the major issues and tell me how the guy could ever not win.

Spirituality: Dubya adores Jesus Christ. Joe Lieberman can't get enough of Yahweh. Both will duke it out for the religious right ... leaving the religious left all to Hagelin. By religious left, I mean the kind of "religion" you see advertised on health food store bulletin boards -- the kind involving incense, crystals, humming and rich suburban women. Hagelin knows his tofu: Until last year, he was a faculty member at Maharishi International University in Iowa -- the
prestigious learning institution named after the guy who weirdified the Beatles back in the '60s.

Brains: Gore may have all his vacuum tubes intact, but Hagelin has a doctorate in quantum physics ... from Harvard. On NewsHour with Jim Lehrer last week, he was asked about national missile defence. His response: "I am a quantum physicist and I must say loudly and clearly ..."

To be honest, I forget exactly how that sentence ended. I think he said something sensible about NMD being a US$60-billion boondoggle that the North Koreans can fool with a bunch of oversized party balloons, a tank of helium and some aluminum foil. But I wasn't really listening. When someone begins a sentence with the words "I am a quantum physicist," he's already told me all I need to know: that he's smarter than anyone else I know.

Health care: Voters all pretend to be greatly concerned about health care. But to American readers, I say this: Put up your hand if you have actually finished even one of those eye-glazing New York Times Nation-section articles comparing the Gore and Bush health plans.

Yeah. I thought so. But now take a look at Hagelin. Not only is he a meditation expert, but he owns the preventative medicine issue. Witness this health care-related one-liner. "Medicare is not a health-care system," he kicks it to reporters Jesse Jackson-style. "It's a disease-care system!" On NewsHour, he explained that Medicare will pay an American for a US$50,000 quadruple bypass -- but not the US$200 treadmill that would have prevented it. That, he says, is "pennywise, pound foolish and inhumane." Fits on a button, doesn't it?

If you're as excited as I am about John "The Doctor" Hagelin, then only one thought is going through your mind: How can I vote for him? The bad news is that, assuming you're Canadian, you can't. The good news is that we have our very own home-grown Natural Law Party right here in Canada.

"Through our scientifically validated programs," Edmonton-based party leader Neil Paterson asserts on his Web site, "national life will be brought into harmony with Natural Law, and every Canadian will enjoy peace, happiness and prosperity."

It's hard to argue with peace, happiness and prosperity. Ditto "preserving the unity of Canada" by means of "experiencing bubbling bliss while creating harmony in national consciousness."

I'm also excited by the NLP's nation-building technique called "Yogic flying," whereby "the body lifts up and moves forward in short hops."

Skeptical? So was I -- until I heard The Doctor explain exactly how Yogic flying works: "I am a quantum physicist and I must say loudly and clearly ..."