So long, suckers, my ship has come in

Jonathan Kay

National Post

God willing, this will be the last column I ever write. On Tuesday, I received a letter from Reader's Digest containing good news: I could win $1-million! I know what you're thinking: This pitiful scribbler is excited about a generic sweepstakes mailing -- how naive. But observe the envelope. Does it look like an ordinary sweepstakes mailing? EXPRESS DAY TIMED DELIVERY is emblazoned on the top, as are the words HAND DELIVER TO ADDRESSEE. Contents are listed as "confidential information." There is a gold "security seal" and no less than four foil stickers full of complicated-looking courier-style "tracking codes." Sure, this letter has actually been sent using Canada Post's regular bulk mail service, but given the way it's been dressed up, it's got to contain something special.

The contents only increase my certainty that the indignities of the journalistic life will soon be nothing more than an embarrassing memory. Turns out I am a special person: Reader's Digest decided I "merited special prize opportunities" only after performing a "detailed nationwide screening and selecting process." Wow, I didn't even know I was being considered! The Reader's Digest "Office of Vital Records" even included an oversized $1-million "Treasurer's Entry Cheque" made out in my name. According to the letter's author, Nicolas De Kufrin, the "Quantitative Analysis & Research Manager" for Reader's Digest Association (Canada) Ltd., "the fact that you are now in possession of confidential information in this mailing is proof that your chance of being a qualified prize winner is 100% confirmed. As Quantitative Analysis & Research Manager here at reader's Digest, I can report that statistic with the utmost confidence."

Let me repeat those words: "qualified prize winner," "100% confirmed," "utmost confidence" ... Hey, you do the math. Better yet, you write your own op-eds! Because once I get my cash, I am so out of here -- 100% confirmed.