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In our sexual fantasies, visions of the dark, uncensored id
National Post
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Page: A26
Section: Issues & Ideas: The Love and Sex Issue
Byline: Jonathan Kay
Column: Jonathan Kay
Source: National Post

Throughout history, the subject of sexual fantasies has remained more taboo than sex itself. Sex, being a biological reality, must be acknowledged in some way by even the most traditional society. But since fantasies take place in the mind, they can be ignored, or at least dismissed as a rare pathology. In 1844, German doctor Heinrich van Kaan summarized the prevalent view of the medical profession in his treatise Psychopathia Sexualis, which warned readers not to masturbate -- because the visions they experienced during the act might render them insane.

Five decades later, Sigmund Freud would take a more enlightened view. Having treated many patients with odd sexual hang-ups -- including an opera singer who achieved orgasm while singing Seguidilla from George Bizet's Carmen -- he knew that normal humans fantasize frequently, including during sex itself. In 1899, he wrote to a colleague: "I am accustoming myself to the idea of regarding every sexual act as a process in which four persons are involved" -- which is to say, the two coital partners themselves, and the fantasy lovers that romp in the self-directed X-rated movies running through their respective minds.

Brett Kahr, a British psychotherapist and self-described "modern Freudian," believes we can learn a lot about who we are from these private reels. Over the years, he's catalogued the sexual fantasies of no fewer than 22,000 research subjects. In an extraordinary new book, Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head? The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies, he summarizes his findings.

Read it, and the first thing you realize is that almost no one is "normal." A few of Kahr's research subjects described vanilla fantasies about moonlit beaches, satin sheets and the like. But the vast majority -- of both male and female research subjects alike -- described fantasies involving some combination of infidelity, group sex, violence and what may clinically be referred to as "unnatural" acts. The word "perverted" is meaningless -- because it applies to just about everyone you meet.

In many cases, the fantasies are comically bizarre. One research subject could excite himself only by thinking of two German women thrashing each other in a boxing ring. Another describes an elaborate fantasy in which he procures sex partners for Prince William and PrinceHenry, and then stands to one side (in full livery) with the Queen and the Lord Chamberlain while the two Princes have sex. One man listed "playing golf with a woman for sex." A woman described her fantasy as "[a] beautifully dressed man who resembles Elvis." Another answered: "Seeing a person with a fat bottom."

Many respondents -- especially the women -- told Kahr they were ashamed of their fantasies. In fact, 95% of the research subjects reported that they had never before described their secret desires to another human being.

This is an extraordinary statistic. Though we think of ourselves as living in a sea of any-thing-goes sexuality, most of us, apparently, are still too inhibited to discuss the one special rivulet that truly -- truly -- floats our boat. "You'll never hear about my [fantasies]," one of Kahr's patients told him. "They are just too awful to share, and you will lose all respect for me."

From the point of view of a "modern Freudian" (as Kahr calls himself), such reticence is unfortunate--for he regards sexual fantasies as a window into the inner psyche.

You can lie to your family, your friends and even yourself. But you can't lie to your libido. It wants what it wants -- and often, what it wants is to heal some childhood wound, or recreate some half-forgotten trauma. This helps explain why a startling 30% of the adult population, by Kahr's estimate, fantasize on masochistic themes.

In one extreme example, Kahr describes an elderly Jewish woman whose parents died in the Holocaust. Her erotic fantasies invariably revolve around jackbooted Nazis abusing her in a torture chamber. Other examples studied by the author involve sex-abuse victims who fantasize about rape, widows who evoke their dead husbands and research subjects who fantasize about sex with parents or siblings. In such cases, the author theorizes, the subjects are subconsciously engaging in the "eroticization of trauma": re-orchestrating some awful chapter in their life by transforming pain or rejection into pleasure.

These are all very heavy themes to ponder, which is why Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?, for all the sex it contains, is a curiously unsexy -- even depressing -- book. Our culture venerates sex as the ultimate libertine indulgence. But this physical animal pleasure almost invariably is fuelled by psychological fantasies whose origins are dark and complicated.

By the time I'd finished Kahr's book, in fact, I found myself rather envious of a research subject identified only as Wendell. "At the age of 85, I do not get turned on," he reported. "I am more inclined to laugh."

jkay@nationalpost.com

Illustration:
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Idnumber: 200802090227
Edition: National
Story Type: Column
Length: 807 words
Keywords: SEX
Illustration Type: CP

PRODUCTION FIELDS
NDATE: 20080209
NUPDATE: 20080211
DOB: 20080209
POSITION: 1