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Most of life's important lessons are learned the hard
way. But this week, the National Post is giving readers a chance to gain wisdom
without pain. In 'Lessons Learned,' our columnists will explain what they
believe to be the most important thing every young person needs to know -- the
one truth they wish they'd understood before setting out in life. In today's
first instalment, Jonathan Kay urges readers to listen to their brains, not
their hearts.
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The dumbest advice ever given is "Live each day like it's your last." It's
dumb not just because it invites us to live in a world without consequences (and
therefore a world full of boozing, infidelity and egomania) but also because of
the implied contempt for deliberation and rational thought.
Destroy the idea of tomorrow, one imagines, and with it will go all the
tedious mental busywork that bedevils man's singular goal of blissful life in
the moment. But hedonism, which is what all such carpe diem nonsense boils down
to, is a dead end. A healthy post-adolescent brain is wired to take satisfaction
in the small milestones that accumulate as one ploughs through life's lengthy
quests -- not jump spasmodically from one bout of instant gratification to the
next. It's not for a lack of imagination that most of us spend our lives
punching clocks, changing diapers, weeding gardens, feeding stray cats and
knitting giant quilts. Building and tending are part of our evolutionary
programming. Without a tomorrow to worry about, we lose our bearings and
sometimes even our wits --as various rock stars, child actors and lottery
winners can attest.
Until a few thousand years ago, all this was perfectly obvious. We were
hunters, gatherers and farmers single-mindedly focused on getting food and
protecting our kin. We died in our 30s, when our children were still
adolescents. Life's mission-- survival -- was perfectly obvious. No one fretted
about finding the perfect soul mate, or achieving work-life balance, or how to
fill the golden years.
Now, things are more complicated. Life stretches on into the 80s and beyond.
A marriage can last more than six decades. Maintaining a sense of shared purpose
during this great swathe of life is difficult. You have to pick a career that
plays to your strengths, allows you to pay the bills and doesn't bore you to
death. More importantly, you need a mate who wants the same things out of life's
lengthy odyssey as do you.
My lesson learned: In both of these quests, you must be ruthlessly
levelheaded. "Following your heart" is a formula for idiots.
I don't mean that people shouldn't fall in love and live life passionately.
What I mean is that they shouldn't follow the example of the Hollywood hero who
tosses away everything for some beautiful girl he barely knows, or for a shot at
stardom. In the movies, this is always the right move. In real life, it's a
disaster.
The "heart," as pop culture defines it, is a silly, narcissistic, juvenile
thing. It knows a lot about what will keep a 20-year-old happy for a couple of
months -- skiing in Banff, following a beautiful Swedish backpacker around
Europe, teaching English in Osaka, dropping out of college so you can reunite
the garage band. But it doesn't know anything about making money or raising a
family. And it knows shockingly little about finding a proper mate.
I've lost track of the number of my friends who've spent their teen years,
20s and even 30s dating exotic people in exotic places --and who've then come
home to fall madly in love with the girl who lived down the street, or who sat
next to them in nursery school. As people age, they tend to pair up with mates
who share their background and cultural outlook -- because those are the traits
that matter when you're embarking on the work of creating a family, settling
into a community and carving out a meaningful life. The fellow who "followed his
heart" and married the Swedish backpacker eventually learns this the hard way.
What feels like the real thing in the hot, full bloom of young love often feels
like an ice-cold mistake a few years later.
If my larger lesson here is "don't follow your heart," the sub-lesson is that
love at first sight is dangerous claptrap. Before you agree to marry someone,
make sure you have seen them exhibit every emotional extreme at least once. See
what they're like in victory, defeat, grief, mourning, physical pain, green with
envy, helpless with despair. See what they're like with their family, and yours
-- because intra-familial interaction is the best indicator of cultural values.
A good set of in-laws can be a wonderful blessing. A bad set can turn your
marriage into a seething domestic dystopia. And no, true love isn't always
enough to get you past it.
When it comes to picking a career, the logic is the same: Follow your brain,
not your heart. Have the courage to put aside whatever romantic ambitions you
entertained in high school, and deliver a hard-headed assessment of your
competencies. Just as it's fine to make foolish romantic mistakes when you're
young and the stakes are low, there's nothing wrong with trying to make career
dreams come true when you're fresh out of college. The question is: When do you
go to Plan B? There comes a time when the smart man cuts his losses and heads to
law school, or takes that job with his father-in-law, or simply goes out
job-hunting for something completely new.
If you are young, you will probably go home at some point during this holiday
season and spend some quality time with your relatives -- during which time they
will ask the usual slew of pointed questions about when you intend to "settle
down" and find a nice young mate, by which they mean a younger version of
themselves. You will roll your eyes and complain about it to your friends, which
is your prerogative. But as you nod off to sleep in your old childhood bedroom,
think about what they told you over turkey and stuffing. There's wisdom in the
hardheaded naggings of us old geezers. That's why we nag.
TOMORROW
Barbara Kay on having children
jkay@nationalpost.com
Illustration:
• Color Photo: Illustration By Julia
Breckenreid / (See hardcopy for Illustration)
Idnumber: 200712110135
Edition: National
Story
Type: Column; Series
Note: First of five parts.
Length: 1049 words
Keywords: SOCIAL CONDITIONS; YOUTH
Illustration Type: CP
PRODUCTION FIELDS
NDATE: 20071211
NUPDATE: 20071211
DOB: 20071211
POSITION: 1
