Shocking news from the the environmentalist group WWF International: The human race may have to colonize two new planets by 2050 if we are to sustain current consumption levels.

While we applaud WWF's new-found imperialist instincts, the question presents itself: Which planets? Below, we set forth the benefits and drawbacks of three attractive candidates:

-- Pluto. Benefit: Low surface temperature (-233C) allows room for global warming; provisions of Kyoto protocol may be openly flouted. Drawback: Due to small size, some astronomers classify Pluto as an asteroid, a designation that may lead to planetcentric stigmatization of colonial inhabitants.

-- Jupiter. Benefit: Large size will permit low population density. Drawback: Hypertoxic ammonia/methane atmosphere will impede activities such as organic farming, pilates, breathing.

-- Janus VI. Benefit: Planet's crust is rich in valuable metals such as uranium, cesium and platinum. Drawback: Attacks by silicon-based Horta creatures may impede mining efforts.