SAN FRANCISCO - The organizers of the Webby Awards call their show "the Oscars of the Internet." But had Joan Rivers been on hand to stalk arriving nominees at last week's ceremony in San Francisco, she would have been aghast. A dress code described on the invitations as "gutsy" produced a parade of feather boas and bowling shoes. Tuxedos were a rarity, and tended toward powder blues and greens. A half.com exec came in a cow suit. And when 47-year-old Randy Constan won the "weird" Webby category for his Peter Pan-themed site, he minced on stage dressed as his epicene hero. The Internet meltdown has cast a gloom over San Francisco. In the South of Market area, dot-com billboards have been torn down and commercial vacancy rates are up near 30%. Clearly, these people were in the mood to unwind.

To ensure the awards are doled out at a broadband pace, Webby organizers have developed a fantastic rule: Winners are permitted no more than five words for acceptance speeches. (Contractions count as one word. James Cameron's unfortunate "I'm king of the world" boast would have qualified.) Most efforts were lame -- "Thank you very much everyone," and so forth. But there were a few thoughtful gems. After winning the commerce award for their travel site, Travelocity.com's people exhorted, "Thanks. Now please go away."

Gallows humour was a strong theme. The emcee, Spy Kids villain Alan Cumming, warmed up the crowd with a gag about meeting a homeless guy in a Webvan.com hat: "He asked me for a quarter so he could buy a few shares in DoubleClick!" Several of the nominated Web sites had themselves gone belly up in previous months. Having won the Webby in the Print & Zines category, a Plastic.com executive put on a happy face: "Bankruptcy never felt so good!" The mood was upbeat: The only boos of the night were directed at big bad Microsoft when its Windows Update site won the technical achievement award.

As for me, I went home without Webby. My team's site, MyVideoGames.com, had been nominated in the games category, but lost to a high-tech outfit called 3dGroove. The pity is that the viewing audience -- the event was Webcast on ABCnews.com -- didn't get to hear my speech: "Global warming isn't a game" (Game -- get it?). Given San Francisco's left-leaning political climate, I know I would have scored with the crowd. Earlier, I'd seen health category winner Planned Parenthood bring down the pro-abortion house with "Planned Parenthood makes safe sexy."

Later, I cruised the after-party with Gregory, my "date" -- a childhood friend who now works in San Francisco as a dot-commer. Our goal was to meet the geniuses from The Onion who had (naturally) won the comedy award. They eluded us. But we did get to exchange face-mail with Sunday morning talking head Sam Donaldson, who was there to cover the event for ABC and present a few awards.

I developed new respect for Sam that night. When the guys from Swell.com won the sports category, they sculpted their five words into a cruel taunt: "Sam Donaldson ... Dude, gnarly toupée!" Yet Sam betrayed no sign of pique. When we stumbled on him, he was cheerfully interviewing Google.com's Larry Page and Sergey Brin ("Google gives great search results!"). While I readied my camera, Gregory jumped onto ABC's makeshift set and started pumping Sam's hand. I feared a squad of network goons would intervene. But Sam just smiled. The Google guys, meanwhile, started laughing nervously. "Not drunk," I reassured them, counting my words. "Just big fans!"